It's coming close to that time of year again. Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind. If you know me you've probably heard me mention my mother. It's usually a funny story. A lot of the time I leave out that she's passed away because it's a bad way to end a funny story. Or I feel awkward telling people because it might follow with "How'd she die?", and depending on the day it's hard to not to tear up when I tell people what happened. I won't share what exactly happened in this blog because the purpose of this particular blog is just to get a few things off my chest.
Sometimes I'll see someone who looks just like her and my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest with excitement. I smile every time I meet someone who acts just like her, or someone I know she'd absolutely love to meet. Other times important milestones happen in my life that I wish so badly she could be there for... Like my wedding, or the birth of my daughter. I dream about her every once in a while, and when I do it's like she never left us, or other times she's just visiting and she lays down in bed with me and we just talk and snuggle like old times. When I wake up it takes me a few seconds to realize it was just a dream, and I feel like I have to cope with her passing away all over again.
Madison's birth was especially hard for me without her. My mom was a lot like me in the sense that in her free time all she thought about was random things that did not matter at the time. Example: She constantly was talking to me about my future, and I'm not just talking about "What do you want to be when you grow up Coralyn?", I'm talking-every little detail down to "What color eyes do you want your baby to have?". She was Filipino and had spoke English fluently, but had bit of an accent. She used to tell me, "If you want blue eye baby.. find nice tall white man to marry, with blonde hair. Your daddy have blue eyes, but you did not get them, but since you are half now, your baby get blue eyes possibly". I asked her "Ma, what if my baby has brown eyes?", "Oh" she said "Still good. brown eyes are beautiful. You have very pretty eyes". Once, she even got into an argument with my dad when I was around 15 about my future children. Something about how often I would bring them by, and if my dad would help her. Regardless of who won the argument, she came up to me randomly in the kitchen and told me "You bring your babies here to me, I will watch them all the time. I will help you". I don't remember what I said back, but it was probably along the lines of "Mooooooooooomm, go away, I'm 15!"..
The first time I held Madison in my arms I began crying instantly. Not just because she was so beautiful and she was mine.. but because I loved her so much already, I thought "This must have been how much my mom loved me."
I know that she's in a better place now.. but I would have done anything to see the look on my mom's face holding Madison for the first time. I'll never get that. She was always making a big deal out of all my seemingly small accomplishments, if she would have seen Madison she would have done a back flip, I'm sure of it.
Sometimes when I'm sitting on the living room floor adoring Madison and every little thing she does, I feel like my mom is right over my shoulder with us enjoying every moment as well. I want to say outloud "Ma, did you see that!? did you see what she just did!?". Sometimes I speak to her in hopes she can hear me. Usually it's an apology, or "You were so right about that." but most of the time it's just "I miss you, Ma.. and I love you."
Sometimes I'll see someone who looks just like her and my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest with excitement. I smile every time I meet someone who acts just like her, or someone I know she'd absolutely love to meet. Other times important milestones happen in my life that I wish so badly she could be there for... Like my wedding, or the birth of my daughter. I dream about her every once in a while, and when I do it's like she never left us, or other times she's just visiting and she lays down in bed with me and we just talk and snuggle like old times. When I wake up it takes me a few seconds to realize it was just a dream, and I feel like I have to cope with her passing away all over again.
Madison's birth was especially hard for me without her. My mom was a lot like me in the sense that in her free time all she thought about was random things that did not matter at the time. Example: She constantly was talking to me about my future, and I'm not just talking about "What do you want to be when you grow up Coralyn?", I'm talking-every little detail down to "What color eyes do you want your baby to have?". She was Filipino and had spoke English fluently, but had bit of an accent. She used to tell me, "If you want blue eye baby.. find nice tall white man to marry, with blonde hair. Your daddy have blue eyes, but you did not get them, but since you are half now, your baby get blue eyes possibly". I asked her "Ma, what if my baby has brown eyes?", "Oh" she said "Still good. brown eyes are beautiful. You have very pretty eyes". Once, she even got into an argument with my dad when I was around 15 about my future children. Something about how often I would bring them by, and if my dad would help her. Regardless of who won the argument, she came up to me randomly in the kitchen and told me "You bring your babies here to me, I will watch them all the time. I will help you". I don't remember what I said back, but it was probably along the lines of "Mooooooooooomm, go away, I'm 15!"..
The first time I held Madison in my arms I began crying instantly. Not just because she was so beautiful and she was mine.. but because I loved her so much already, I thought "This must have been how much my mom loved me."
I know that she's in a better place now.. but I would have done anything to see the look on my mom's face holding Madison for the first time. I'll never get that. She was always making a big deal out of all my seemingly small accomplishments, if she would have seen Madison she would have done a back flip, I'm sure of it.
Sometimes when I'm sitting on the living room floor adoring Madison and every little thing she does, I feel like my mom is right over my shoulder with us enjoying every moment as well. I want to say outloud "Ma, did you see that!? did you see what she just did!?". Sometimes I speak to her in hopes she can hear me. Usually it's an apology, or "You were so right about that." but most of the time it's just "I miss you, Ma.. and I love you."
I <3 you Cor! Wish I could give you a hug now!
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