I don't know why..

Around the holidays I eat horribly! Usually I don't crave goodies like cookies and fatty foods, but when winter time comes around I can't keep my hands off it! It's so bad. Looks like I need to do couch to 5k again to make it through the New Years. Sometimes I miss being pregnant and getting to indulge more often without feeling guilty about it!

Here is my current enemy.

darn you Starbucks for your delicious peppermint white mocha latte!!!! It doesn't matter that I get you in non-fat and light whip, because I'm practically buying you every time I leave the house! I'm too weak to deny myself your pepperminty-sweet-yumminess...

Gobble Gobble

Thanksgiving is coming around the corner and we're hosting dinner at our house for the first time. I've cooked a turkey before but never hosted at my own house (my friends have alway had me lug it over to their place). This year Matt's required to invite all the single soldiers over to our home for the holidays, so no soldier has to spend the holidays in the barracks. A few of my friends and their families are coming too, so hopefully there will be a good turn out. I'm really hoping only to have to make a turkey because my refrigerator is small and I only have one oven, so fingers crossed that no one has to flake :)

this is exactly how I cook a turkey. I seriously love Alton Brown and his show "Good Eats", he's like the Bill Nye the Science guy of food.

Halloween

Halloween.. Halloween... I have never really appreciated you much.

My husband is a Halloween fanatic. He totally goes hog wild for Halloween. I'll never understand what is really that great about this holiday, but I decided to put a full effort into trying to embrace it this year.

We went to the pumpkin patch the weekend before Halloween. Madison loved every second of it. It was a such a beautiful day. Madison really got a kick out of the small petting zoo they had at Aloun Farms. Her favorite part was the bunnies and the chicken. I was so surprised that the chickens let me pet them. I grew up in Elverta and I always thought chickens were, well... chicken, and usually scared of people, but not these chickens.

When we went into the actual patch of pumpkins, though dry, there was actually a great selection to choose from. Madison squirmed out of our arms and ran for the pumpkins, then decided she wanted to sit on as many of them as possible. Don't ask me why, but I think she thought they made great seats. After I picked my pumpkin I mostly had fun picture taking and chasing Madison through the pumpkin patch, while Matt was on the hunt for the perfect pumpkin. During Madison's mission to sit on every pumpkin, she missed a pumpkin and sat in a patch of thistles and Matt had to pick them out of her butt, it was the funniest thing ever. At that point I gave up on trying to keep her clean and let her get as dirty as she wanted. There was a lot of Hawaiian red dirt at that farm and it was windy, so it was all over everyone. They even had a "slippah" washing station near the stands where you pay for the pumpkins for all us flip flop wearing people who came that day.

We had also planned to go to the haunted plantation which is a big attraction to Oahu during Halloween, along with the haunted lagoons. Sadly, that didn't happen because I came down with a horrible case of bronchitis. Even though I felt awful I decided to just tough it out because I was determined to enjoy this Holiday for Matt and Madison's sake.

We carved pumpkins. Matt was so excited to carve his pumpkin that he actually cheated and got a head start on his pumpkin while I was sleeping in/recovering from my bronchitis the morning before Halloween. His punishment was to help Madison with her pumpkin while I caught up carving mine. Madison was not digging the pumpkin carving experience. She was completely grossed out by the pumpkin guts and cried when we tried to encourage her to put her hand inside. I think she preferred to watch Matt do most of the work. I have a feeling she likes pumpkins better as seats than as jack-o-lanterns.

Finally the day we all anticipated came. Halloween. I woke up feeling like death, Bronchitis still hitting me hard but I didn't care. Matt was excited and it had Madison wired. We had to run a few errands before the trick-or-treaters came so Matt threw Madison's sheep costume on and we went to the store. When we got back we only had about an hour to get ready for the kids to start ringing our doorbell. I threw on my costume (my first one in years) while giddy Matt put on his terrifying costume and added a few finishing touches on the house. Madison was absolutely horrified by Matt's costume, which had me all flustered. She would not let go of my legs when she first saw him. I could hardly walk anywhere. She was pretty much hysterical, and I was irritated, but I let Matt have his fun regardless of my screaming sheep. I decided to take her trick or treating to get her mind off of Matt's hideous zombie costume, which was not a good idea because it seemed like everyone's dad in the neighborhood had an over the top scary costume on. I think it was a little too overwhelming for Madison because she wouldn't even walk for me. She was too nervous, so I had to get her pink buggy out. I'll admit, a fluffy sheep in a pink car buggy was the most adorable thing I've seen all year, but I was ready to be done with Halloween.

We went down our block collecting candy and letting all the mommies "aww" over Madison's getup. After that we decided to go home and watch some Halloween cartoon specials on Nick Jr, while daddy had fun scaring the crap out of the neighborhood children (and a few of their parents). I'm a good mom, so I made sure to taste test all of Madison's candy before giving her any. It's a risky job, but I decided to make the sacrifice. The rest of the night went smoothly, our pumpkins were only knocked over a few times by kids running away frantically from my zombie husband. Next year I'll know what to expect and make better preparations for Madison.. but for now it's on to much better Holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas :)

Aloha.

We only have 1 year left in Hawaii before Matt gets new orders for a different duty station. I never really understood why the military likes to move people around so much, you'd think they'd want to save some money and keep everyone in the same place for like.. 5 years at least, but no.

There's so many different options to choose from, to request, or reenlist for.. but we keep tossing back and forth what we should do. We even have the option to request to stay in Hawaii for 1 year longer.

It bothers me so much not knowing exactly what is going to happen next or if we're going to like it. There's so many things to think about like.. Will we be in a foreign country? Will Matt deploy right away? Will he like his new unit? Will this be good for his career? Will Madison like it? Will I be able to find a good job or school to go to? How far from home (California) will we be? Will people want to visit? Will they give us a nice house? I sit in bed awake at night thinking of a million different possibilities, and I know it's so bad to worry about things I cannot control. I keep telling myself that it's in God's hands and that no matter what we'll be okay... but I can't help but feel like I'm a little kid trying to stay up late enough to get a peek at what Santa Claus is going to leave under the tree, and if it's good or not.

Regardless, I will miss Oahu with all my heart. I absolutely love it out here though it feels small at times. I have never had much complaint besides that.

September

Oh September.. how you have been a busy and expensive month.

first my glasses break and my insurance doesn't cover new ones. The lenses alone cost $275, don't even get me started on the frames.

I desperately need all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled. I can't even bare to type the price of this expensive bill...

and my daughter's 1st bday party plus our family portraits.

All I can say is.. THANK GOD I HAVE A JOB. Otherwise we'd probably be hurtin'.

because of all of these expenses we decided not to go out to a big fancy dinner for our 3rd wedding anniversary as planned. This was a real bummer because year 1 Matt was in Korea, and year 2 I was so pregnant I was about to pop and too emotional to function. We swore this year we'd do something really special but my darn eyes and teeth had to get in the way.

Even though we decided not to get anything for each other this year, I did get this suprise knocking at my door..


Super cute and thoughtful because I love love love Sanrio characters, and the pineapples are shaped like Hello Kitty. Madison ate half of my gift because .. well she eats most of my food before I get it to my mouth, but I only shared half the strawberries with her :)

Family portraits could have gone better. I thought the girl who helped us was really unprofessional. She did really well on the family portraits, but when it came time for Madison to get her pictures done (which was the main reason we were there) She never adjusted the lighting, and the backdrop actually collapsed on Madison at one point. Everything fell on top of her, and burried under all the fabric and metal bar the only thing not covered was Madison's little feet. It was like the house that fell ontop of the witch in the "Wizard of Oz". The photographer just stood there in shock with her hand covering her mouth, while Matt and I frantically pulled out daughter out from the clutter. After that Madison wasn't really cooperating with the photoshoot.. so we didn't get any really awesome shots like I expected. I wish the new babies r' us out here had Kiddie Kandids like back home.. I like them a lot and they're reasonably priced. They wouldn't have left me at a computer desk the day after my session to sit there and edit my own pictures until "I liked what I saw". I was irritated that I paid $200 bucks to edit my own pictures that only came out satisfactory to begin with. I guess you win some, you lose some.
This was the picture taken right before the backdrop fell on her... She was completely fine afterward, only startled.

here's a sample of one of the family portraits I liked a lot

Madison's birthday was everything I wanted it to be. The only complaint I had was that I stupidly decided to work the night before, so I didn't come home until 7:00am. The party started at 2:30, and I decided to prep some of the food before I decided to go to bed at 9:00am. Matt was supposed to wake me up at 12:00pm (before heading out to pick my cousin up from the airport and also buy balloons). Apparently he woke me up, and I sat up and told him I was going to get up.. but I must have been sleep talking because I do not remember that at all, and didn't wake up til the first guest got there. Thank goodness it was my friend Brittney and her family, and they were accidently 30 mins early. I quickly got ready after I answered the door.. but had no time to cook the lumpia before the rest of the guests got there. It was all good though, we had plenty of other food (good thing I decided to prep some before falling asleep).

Everyone showed up that was supposed to, all the kids played nice, and everyone had a wonderful time. Madison never really got fussy and she had lots of fun playing with all the kids. The Bday cake that I spent 3 to 4 hours preparing the night before came out perfect and tasted absolutely magnificent. I had no left overs.

I'm so excited for future birthdays to come. Party planning is SO much fun and watching my daughter having an abosolute blast was worth every second. The look on my daughter's face when we brought her downstairs to see all the balloons and decorations was priceless, you could tell she was amazed by all the colors and how different the house looked.

Roses are ... Purple.

I decided to have a couple glasses of red wine (I'm a bit of a light weight) and next thing you know I'm in the kitchen baking a cake. I wanted to do something different this time, something with the frosting, but I didn't know what. So Iyou tubed some videos on how to make roses out of frosting. I found a few, skimmed through them and ta-da! I had the general idea, peace of cake (ha!). However, I couldn't find any videos on how to make leaves (didn't look too hard though, I was sort of wingin' it) so I took my best crack at it, and played with the frosting tips a bit. I ran out of icing bags, so I made my own out of parchment paper, It's amazing how creative and resourceful I get when I have a slight buzz.

Anywhoo, ladies and gentlemen, I now introduce you to CAKE #4!!!

Spooky.

Working graveyard at my work can be super creepy sometimes. Most of my shift I spend just sitting in the office auditing and doing paperwork in absolute dead silence. I have heard many stories about the place and I swear I hear things sometimes, or get this feeling that I am not alone. I especially get this eerie feeling about the kitchen late at night. I haven't witnessed first hand anything too out of the ordinary besides the ice machine going off on it's own and the door censor ding when no one is there...plus it gets unbearably cold at times... but that is definitely enough to get me on edge and freaked out.

Play Doh for adults

Fondant = Play-Doh for adults. :)

Decorating cakes is so much fun. As I was putting together today's cake I was fantasizing about having my own bakery, and I decided that everyone that worked in my bakery should go to work in their pajamas. In fact, the uniform would be strictly Pajamas... and I would name the shop "Pajamas and Pastries"

anyways, here's Cake #3

Retreat!!

Being a military family is tough. It's especially tough on a marriage. The military always come first no matter what, and it effects almost every aspect of our lives. Last weekend we were invited by one of the Chaplains to go to an all expense paid marriage retreat at the Hale Koa resort in Waikiki for 3 days. They offered free child care so we gratefully accepted the offer. Matt was especially excited because this meant a few free days off from work.

We had a great time, it was better than I had expected. I knew going would mean we'd have to take a few marriage classes given by the chaplains (there's a catch for everything), and I assumed it would be death by power point, but really it wasn't that bad. The classes were straight to the point, helpful, and only used a few power-point slides. They gave us lots of goodies and drinks then the rest of the day was ours to spend as we please.

The restaurants at the resort were nice, the room was cute too. Everything was paid for by the Army so we definitely took advantage of the menu's and were not shy about trying anything we desired. One of the date nights we spent roaming around downtown Waikiki, ate ice cream and window shopped. The next outing we went to a military museum, and at one point we bailed Madison out of daycare and took a nice sunset stroll on the beach as a family. Though Madison seemed to have a tough time at daycare for the first time, I think overall she had a good time too.

I hadn't realized it until we were on the way home but this little mini getaway was much needed...even if it was only a getaway to the other side of the island. We came home feeling recharged, I hope we can go to another retreat again soon.

Cake Boss

I love watching cake making shows. My friend Taylor and her mom really got me into them. Back when I worked at Baskin Robins I was given the opportunity to decorate the ice cream cakes at one point, it was so much fun. After my best friend made a fondant cake for her daughter's birthday I decided that I really really really wanted to make Madison's first birthday cake, but I definitely wanted to get some practice first.

My two main concerns were taste and cuteness. So I watched a few videos on how to make a fondant cake, and read some pointers on foodnetwork.com. I also googled some ideas of some designs I wanted to try. Then I headed to Wal-mart and spent what I considered WAY too much on all the cake creating equipment. When my husband found out how much I spent he nearly went into cardiac arrest, but I assured him this was an investment because if I did a good job, then I'd make all the future birthday cakes for the family and it would save money in the long run. He did not seem as enthusiastic as I did, but that all changed when my first cake came

out.

Alright, so my first cake was a decorating disaster, but it tasted fantastic. I used a yellow cake recipe off the internet, whipped strawberry filling, crumb coated the cake with butter cream frosting and used a rolled butter cream fondant to cover it. The problem I had decorating was I was a little too timid with the fondant and ended up folding over one of the sides, plus my butter cream frosting was really liquidy and melted everywhere. I was sad it didn't turn out as I had imagined, but my husband was really sweet and encouraged me to give it another try. My first cake was supposed to go to my co-workers, but I was too embarrassed to bring it in as planned, so my husband brought it to his work.

His coworkers loved it, and they begged for another one. This was just the encouragement I needed, and I got started right away on another one. I decided to step it up by making it a two tiered cake, and got a different butter-cream frosting recipe. This time I had absolutely no problem. I had a routine down already to help the process go more smoothly.

After my 2nd cake came out amazing, I am confident that my daughter's cake will too. My co-workers asked me to make another one for a fellow co-workers baby shower, so wish me luck in that one coming out good too!

Bed, Bath, and BEYOND.

So on my little tropical island we don't have a lot of stores that we enjoyed back home..
just recently they opened their first Target and Victoria secret
then just last Friday came... BED BATH AND BEYOND.

I was so flippin' excited. I went to the grand opening (it was nuts) and walked around in amazement.I began to feel less homesick... Bed Bath and Beyond was one of the stores I truly missed and now theres one 15 minutes away from me.

I loved bed bath and beyond so much I even registered there for my wedding back in 2007. I actually had a few things that were sitting in my upstairs closet that I never got a chance to return. I had 4 sets of fine china that I didn't need, so I asked the manager if I could return it to the Pearl City store even though they were over 3 years old, I didn't have a receipt, and I got them from a store back in California, and he said yes!!

I had no idea how much the china was worth (they were a gift), it was only 4 settings, so I brought them to the store the next day.. and I ended up walking out with a $300 gift certificate, HOLY COW.

The next day I dragged my husband along to help me decide what to spend my gift certificate on.. man, we got A LOT of stuff. I went pretty crazy, I got a huge painting, new curtains, new rods, shelves, random things for the kitchen like measuring spoons and a dish drying mat... it was pretty sweet. Shopping sprees are fun when you don't have to spend your own money. :)

Walk it out

My daughter officially took her first steps at 10 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day old, and I couldn't be any prouder.

video:

Mom Books.

I didn't grow up around a lot of babies. I never really had to take care of children in my family because I was one of the youngest ones. When I first found out I was pregnant I spoke to several parents of all ages about what to expect and got some great advice. I also did a lot of research and took a few classes so that I would be fully prepared for my little one. I don't think anything can really prepare you for motherhood but these were some books that greatly helped me so far on this journey.Best book ever written for breastfeeding. It's a little "hippy-ish" in some aspects, but for the most part very informative and supportive. I heart La Leche League for all they do. Most hospitals provide classes taught but lactation consults that are apart of La Leche League International. I didn't realize breastfeeding was really an option until a friend sent me this book. I never saw people breastfeeding growing up, and figured that formula was the traditional way to go. Nursing has so many benefits but it certainly is harder than it looks or seems, so I would recommend this book to anyone who's curious or interested.

This one is a classic. This is the pregnant person's handbook. No wonder it's so popular, it really is awesome and answers a lot of questions. The website is great also. It has so many resources to use as we'll a weight cart that you can start to track your progress with weight gain within healthy guidelines.

Definitely an entertaining one. I crack this book open a few times a month just to get a look at, well.. what to expect. I guess that title explains it all.

This is an excellent one also. It's a little stricter than some of the other parenting and baby books, but I definitely appreciate it's advice. The American Academy of Pediatrics are the baby rule makers, made up of nation's finest pediatricians. If you have a question, the answer is probably in there along with a clear explanation.

Stuck

1 month, 3 weeks until Madison turns one.
OH MY GOSH! time fliiiiessss. :)
now for the big decision....

Welcome Back

I had my first shift back at work. It was a little intimidating at first. A lot of things have changed in a year, but by the end of the night I was pretty confident, and probably won't need any supervision after this weekend. Front desks are my thing anyways.

The grave shift hours weren't as bad as I thought, they were quite easy. However when I got home I crashed until about 2:30pm. Hopefully I will be able to wake up by noon after I get into the swing of things at home. Matt did a great job watching Madison even though he forgot to brush her teeth this morning and when I came down stairs at 2:30 she was still in her pajamas, but as far as letting me rest he did awesome. I'm really happy that he's willing to give up his Saturday and Sunday mornings to let me rest. He's the greatest

One thing I enjoy about my job is seeing troops come home from deployment. A lot of them don't have a place to stay the first couple nights after they come home from a deployment and welcome back ceremony so they flood the lobby of the Inn. Even at 3am after almost a whole day of flying and stopping in random countries they just look so happy to be home. Their family members are practically glowing with happiness and pride to see their mothers, fathers, wives, husbands home. One of the soldiers checked in, and grabbed a beer from the convenience store and set it on the counter just to stare at it. "I haven't had one of these in a very long time" he said, and I smiled and replied "Well, I think you deserve it."

Have Not Painted

I have not painted in a few weeks. For some reason the very thought of starting a new painting makes me a little nauseated. I believe it's because I have no muse at the moment. I may force myself to start a new one today.

On a brighter note, I sold my poppy painting! I was nervous at first but they told me they loved it so now I'm happy. :)

Bubba Gump

It has come to my attention that there is no Joe's Crab Shack on this island.

This makes me very sad

Today was my cousin's birthday and she really wanted crab cakes.

However, we did find Bubba Gump's (which I have never been to) and I enjoyed an entire bucket of crab legs myself.

It was yummy!!!

I even let Madison try some, she loved it SO much that she pounded on the table and threw an absolutely fit if I took too long to give her a little more. (I'm not an expert at eating crab so it takes me a second to get to the good stuff)

I literally made a huge mess, crab juices, butter and lemon juice was pretty much in puddles around my seat and running down my legs from rolling down my bib.

But it was worth it. Well worth it.

Boobie Humor.

Biology Class - final exam.*

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term
exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's
Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular,
was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just
before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.

He got an A.

Supermom

So after running a few times over the last week, it didn't take me long to get back into my groove. It is getting easier, however I think I may need a new pair of tennis shoes because I've had the same ones for about 3 years now and they're starting to not support as much.

After contacting my old job I will be going back working the graveyard shift 10:00pm-6:30 am Friday night and Saturday night, and on call during the week 6pm-10pm. I chose to do this so I can still stay home with Madison, and Matt will be home those nights so I don't have to rely on a sitter. My job isn't very rigorous in the first place, I'm basically just workin' the front desk during the dead hours, so I think I'll be fine (since I'm a night owl anyways). I'll sleep from 7am-12:30pm saturday morning and sunday morning so we can still spend some quality family time together, plus Matt gets plenty of 3 day weekends. It will be nice to have my own money to shop and buy bday, Christmas, and anniversary gifts for my husband. It feels awkward getting him these things when I'm not working because even though I know it's "our" money, I can't help but feel like he's buying himself something.

The thought of not putting Madison to bed two times a week makes me a little sad, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. I'm a very clingy mom if you can't tell.

Restart

So, Remember way back when I started the couch to 5k?
it was a couple months ago. and No, I didn't finish it, I got about 3/4 done with the entire program before I gave up. What had happened was I had reached my prepregnancy goal which was 145lbs, then things came up like vacation, and rain and so on... I just wasn't motivated anymore.

So Madison is 9months old now and I'm actually down to 137. Which is awesome, but what isn't awesome is that I don't FEEL in shape, and I don't feel like I have a lot of energy, and I haven't worked out in 2 months.

So today I decided I would get off my butt and instead of taking Madison on a walk in her pink car buggy thing, I would bust out my old friend the jogging stroller.

It didn't go so well. I went from being able to run 3.5 miles straight in about 25 minutes to making it only a few blocks and wheezing for air. WHAT HAPPENED!?

Thus I need a new plan of action, and a new goal.. one that I wont get too bored of like couch to 5k.

I'm going to sign up for a class once a week to take at the gym
I'm going to work out a minimum of 3 times a week.
and my new goal is to tone up and get down to 131lbs, which brings me to a very healthy BMI of 20.5

I'm going to give myself until October 1st, wish me luck!

workin' it.

I went back to my old job at the Inn to talk to the manger about going back to work
As much as I like staying at home, I do miss the extra $$$ and it can be quite boring at times.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to wait 3 more months until Madison is at least 1 year old.

I need to find a good daycare provider or babysitter to watch her for a few hours about 4 days a week.

Secondly I need a mode of transportation.
The army only pays to ship one vehicle overseas during a PCS (permanent change of station) and when Matt was about to deploy to Iraq we sold our jeep. A week before his deployment date his orders got cancelled, and now we were down to 1 car. We wanted to buy another car but we don't want to go through the trouble of buying an selling it again to avoiding paying $3000+ to ship it wherever we end up next (which is only a year away).

Matt was really close to buying this motorcycle today (Motorcycles don't ship through the army like cars do, they ship them with your household goods for free) but after looking at how much insurance would cost we decided that it didn't seem that great of an investment.

So.... what's a girl to do?

well, since I only work a few blocks away, I'm thinkin' I might have to invest in one of this babies

I may even decide to rock one of these guys on the back.

Dorky, huh?
Well I just may be able to pull it off and people will think I'm all for saving the environment when really I'm just cheap. Haha!

Well I still have 3 more months of being a stay at home mom, I may keep my eyes open for a good deal on a used car. We'll see.

9month old and Paint = messy father's day gift

Matt's getting the new iphone which counts as his father's day gift.

but that doesn't come out til the 24th so in the mean time Madison made daddy a little something to have the day of..

Since this is Matt's first father's day i thought it would be a cute idea to make him a keepsake box to keep all the cards and little gifts Madison will be making him over the years.

I decorated the top of with paper letters and one of my favorite pictures of the two of them, then I let Madison do the sides of the box.

I bought some non toxic finger paints and took her into the bathroom. It got a little crazy, that's for sure. the both of us were covered in paint.. as well as my bathroom mat and tub... but it was well worth it.

surprisingly it wasn't that difficult to get her to paint on the box at all. In fact she did most of this herself, but when she had finished with the box, it was hard to get her not to paint the tub and eat her fingers. Thank goodness for non toxic completely washable crayola paint.

and tada!! :)

random

sometimes i get in these weird moods where I have to remind myself that the whole world isnt out to get me.

I hate it.

"My diaper is full.. full of shiek"

So Matt and I were watching tv together when the new Huggies diaper commercial came on advertising the new limited edition denim diapers.

We couldn't believe what we were looking at, we were laughing so hard.



Later that day Madison decided to crawl up the stairs for the first time when I was upstairs grabbing a hairband. So we needed to get her a baby gate.

When we went to the store to grab the baby gate, what did we see?

IT WAS TRUE!, THEY ARE REAL!

denim diapers, we couldn't resist (and they were the same price as regular) so we grabbed a pack.

Now madison can cruise the house in style on those hot days.

Home

Missin' home a lot lately. Not 100% sure why...Being out here can feel so bittersweet. I love Oahu but this island feels so small sometimes...going to the beach gets old...I think I just miss some of my home town friends at the moment.

Dancin' in moon light..I know you are free

It's coming close to that time of year again. Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind. If you know me you've probably heard me mention my mother. It's usually a funny story. A lot of the time I leave out that she's passed away because it's a bad way to end a funny story. Or I feel awkward telling people because it might follow with "How'd she die?", and depending on the day it's hard to not to tear up when I tell people what happened. I won't share what exactly happened in this blog because the purpose of this particular blog is just to get a few things off my chest.

Sometimes I'll see someone who looks just like her and my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest with excitement. I smile every time I meet someone who acts just like her, or someone I know she'd absolutely love to meet. Other times important milestones happen in my life that I wish so badly she could be there for... Like my wedding, or the birth of my daughter. I dream about her every once in a while, and when I do it's like she never left us, or other times she's just visiting and she lays down in bed with me and we just talk and snuggle like old times. When I wake up it takes me a few seconds to realize it was just a dream, and I feel like I have to cope with her passing away all over again.

Madison's birth was especially hard for me without her. My mom was a lot like me in the sense that in her free time all she thought about was random things that did not matter at the time. Example: She constantly was talking to me about my future, and I'm not just talking about "What do you want to be when you grow up Coralyn?", I'm talking-every little detail down to "What color eyes do you want your baby to have?". She was Filipino and had spoke English fluently, but had bit of an accent. She used to tell me, "If you want blue eye baby.. find nice tall white man to marry, with blonde hair. Your daddy have blue eyes, but you did not get them, but since you are half now, your baby get blue eyes possibly". I asked her "Ma, what if my baby has brown eyes?", "Oh" she said "Still good. brown eyes are beautiful. You have very pretty eyes". Once, she even got into an argument with my dad when I was around 15 about my future children. Something about how often I would bring them by, and if my dad would help her. Regardless of who won the argument, she came up to me randomly in the kitchen and told me "You bring your babies here to me, I will watch them all the time. I will help you". I don't remember what I said back, but it was probably along the lines of "Mooooooooooomm, go away, I'm 15!"..

The first time I held Madison in my arms I began crying instantly. Not just because she was so beautiful and she was mine.. but because I loved her so much already, I thought "This must have been how much my mom loved me."

I know that she's in a better place now.. but I would have done anything to see the look on my mom's face holding Madison for the first time. I'll never get that. She was always making a big deal out of all my seemingly small accomplishments, if she would have seen Madison she would have done a back flip, I'm sure of it.

Sometimes when I'm sitting on the living room floor adoring Madison and every little thing she does, I feel like my mom is right over my shoulder with us enjoying every moment as well. I want to say outloud "Ma, did you see that!? did you see what she just did!?". Sometimes I speak to her in hopes she can hear me. Usually it's an apology, or "You were so right about that." but most of the time it's just "I miss you, Ma.. and I love you."

Practically Practical

I'm a pretty practical person. I keep things simple not because simple is "safe" but because it's the simple things that make me happy.

I don't want to be famous, I don't plan on becoming a millionaire.. I simply want a love, family, and a happy home. I believe things aren't accomplished by hand outs and strokes of good luck... but by only working your butt off to get what you want, regardless of what situation you've lived your life in so far. Life will never owe you anything because as long as you have a pulse, life has already given you plenty to work with, and when you get knocked down, the best thing to do is just get back up... not sit and complain about what you never had or how someone else held you back. Nor sit and make excuses of how things aren't possible simply because they aren't easy. All things are possible, if you want it bad enough.

I really hope that one day my child (and any other future children) will have a deep understanding of this, and the best way of teaching is by example.

I'm going to try really hard to work to obtain my goals, and I'm not going to let the military, location, or life in general get in the way. With God all things are possible.. so why doubt myself?

Madison Update 8months

Madison currently has 4 teeth showing, is crawling all over the place (including trying to go up the stairs) using a sippy cup with little to no help, pulling herself up without help, standing and grabbing objects to move to different places, eating non pureed food on occasion (Cheerios, bananas, crackers and things like that) and chewing really well. She says mama, dada, baba, oo, and aah. She copies our movements (like if we shake our heads) and knows how to blow raspberries back. She's currently wearing a lot of 12month clothing and she's easily 20lbs or more at the moment.

Partner in crime: Jasmine

things we're working on:
Walking holding mommy and daddy's hands

Clapping hands together
Knowing who Mama, and Dada are when she says it.

Not eating the book when Mama reads.

Painter's block?

Running out of inpiration on what to paint next. Trying to stay away from flowers, as much as I love them. What would YOU want on your living room wall?

Boobies.

It has come to my attention that almost every female I know has or wants breast implants. It's become so popular amongst my friends that I sit here and wonder "should I want implants to?" I feel odd feeling like the only women I know that doesn't want them or at least I think I don't want them.

I look at myself in the mirror and I study my body, its imperfections, my "battle scars" of pregnancy and from entering motherhood. Though my body has changed I'm not too disappointed with the after math. In fact, I'm pretty impressed. No, not to be vain, but think about it. I made a human being inside of my body, ate for her, breathed for her, and lived her for her. And as she grows outside my body I still nurture her; the way mother nature intended. How beautiful is that? I think it's absolutely amazing what the human body can do. It was so worth every imperfection and physical reminder left on my body.

Now don't get me wrong. To each their own, and everyone has different reasons for wanting different things to be changed about themselves. There's not too many days that pass that I see my reflection and don't wish things could be nipped and/or tucked away. However, having a daughter I don't know if I personally could put myself up to surgically changing something about myself. What message would I be sending to her? But wait.. What about these tattoos I have on my body? What about the make up I wear to cover my imperfections and to enhance my appearance, isn't that the same thing only on a different degree? Where do I really cross the line? Will any of this really effect the way I teach my daughter to love herself? These are good questions that I don't have the answers to. Questions that have me reflecting upon my entire life and the image I am portraying to her.

I don't know how I am going to feel 10 or 20 years from now about this subject. Maybe one day my boobs will bother me enough for me to want to change them, maybe they'll come up with new ways to reverse the effects of age and I'll be all for it. But at the moment I am pleased to be pleased with myself even though my boobies are far smaller, far less perky than the average cosmetic enthusiast, and will probably sag to my bellybutton one day (I really hope not).


on a non serious note. I know when you die you don't get to bring any stuff with you to heaven, but do breast implants count?

Emo Poppy Field

Inspired by my emo cousin...

cannot wait!

Matt's Mom, Dad, Sister, and our Nephew get to the island this Sunday

I'm super excited
I love having people come stay with us.

We always do lots of fun things.
I know we're going to go out every single day. I'm praying the weather is great.

After they leave, a few weeks later my cousin LESLIE gets to the island. She's moving here with her husband who's in the coastguard. YAY!

I've only been able to hang out with her a couple times our entire lives. Once in Disneyland when I was 2 or 3, another time when I think I was 7 or 8 and she visited for Christmas, and lastly when I was about 15 when she visited one summer. But since then we have kept in touch and can't wait to live near each other!

In preparation for all this fun I will be having this month, I've been shopping like crazy. Since I've lost all the baby weight I have come to realize.. I don't have a lot of clothes. Most of my jeans were still from high school (hey, they were good jeans). The whole time I was pregnant I only bought maternity clothes, and when I went home to California I bought some winter clothes for the cold weather, but other than that.. man that's OVER A YEAR of not shopping for myself (almost 2), and DANG has style changed a bit. I finally converted to skinny jeans via the GAP (took me forever, right?). I got some cool sandals, and lots of tops. Now my seemingly empty closet is starting to look full again. Thank you GAP, Charlotte Russe, Forever 21, and American Eagle. :)

After cutting my hair from being super dooper long, it's way more manageable now, so I'm beginning to get into the habit of styling it more often.

before

after

I feel like a brand new person

Random

Leslie: You vote what you belive

Me: Yah, but what I believe is right for me, or right for the country?

That's the hard part.

Leslie: For you.
we are the country.

giving it a try

I want to try to start selling my art work. Just to see if I can do it or not. I'm going to start painting like crazy and work on a theme for a collection and see where I can go from there. Any ideas of something that would sell?

cafeteria!! hahaha

I'm really grateful that I have a roof over my head, a fantastic family, and that I have plenty of nice things in my home. I am truly blessed. That being said.

I hate this ugly house

It's like 20 years old, and has these weird linoleum floors.

Thanks Army ;)

When you're an army family you get the option of living off post wherever you want and they pay you what's called "BAH".. it's supposed to stand for Basic Housing Allowance. Basically they give a pretty generous amount of money for a home depending on duty station, and rank. It should covered all your electricity, water etc. OR you have the option to live on post. Where they give you a home depending on the size of your family and rank and you virtually have NO BILLS, but they 100% of your BAH.

In Hawaii It's super expensive, the traffic is horrible, and there's not a lot of really nice areas to live that are near post. So we didn't really have much of a choice but to live on post.

When we moved here It was just Matt and I. The army generally gives the nicer homes (hardwood floors, marble counter tops 2 and 1/2 bathroom 3/4/5 bedroom) homes to people who have larger families and children. Which TOTALLY makes sense don't get me wrong. But sucks for me because we got a townhouse with weird cafeteria linoleum floors that is in desperate need of remodeling.

It drives me nuts. I'm constantly trying to find things to make thing place look less crappy, and make it feel a lot less like a cafeteria.

Today I decided to redo my downstairs bathroom. It used to be brown and blue, but I re-did my bedroom brown and blue.... so now my bathroom is creme and green....

Sigh.. I dream of the day we get to own a home and I never have to see these linoleum floors ever again.

My baby..

Tonight was the first night ever dropping Madison off with a friend, while Matt and I went out.

We didn't do anything special, we just went to this class our church was doing. It was about two hours long

I was super nervous about leaving Madison because I've never done it before. I was scared she'd give her sitter a hard time, or miss me... or get super hungry (I'm still nursing her) But I had to keep telling myself that she was in good hands and that we wouldn't be out too long.

Basically the first class people just introduced themselves, it took a very long time. One of the guys there took about 30 minutes just telling some random story, and I was trying to concentrate but all I could think about was Madison. The class was running later than expected, I looked at Matt and mouthed "lets just go." and he shook his head at me because he knew it would be rude to just get up while this guy was telling his personal story. I didn't care. I was starting to get angry, I was bouncing my leg and shaking my foot and getting more and more impatient... Finally he finished his story. We said our ending prayer and I shot up out of my seat and grabbed my phone to see if I had any messages. I did have one. It was a picture message

This made me grin. She was doing just fine, and playing with Megan's daughter Hailey. See, there was nothing to freak out over, I knew deep down she'd be fine.. being a new first time mom can make you worry over nothing. I'm suprised I didn't cry or do anything to embarass Matt to be honest. I am thankful I was able to get someone really awesome to watch her for us.