Home

Missin' home a lot lately. Not 100% sure why...Being out here can feel so bittersweet. I love Oahu but this island feels so small sometimes...going to the beach gets old...I think I just miss some of my home town friends at the moment.

Dancin' in moon light..I know you are free

It's coming close to that time of year again. Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind. If you know me you've probably heard me mention my mother. It's usually a funny story. A lot of the time I leave out that she's passed away because it's a bad way to end a funny story. Or I feel awkward telling people because it might follow with "How'd she die?", and depending on the day it's hard to not to tear up when I tell people what happened. I won't share what exactly happened in this blog because the purpose of this particular blog is just to get a few things off my chest.

Sometimes I'll see someone who looks just like her and my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest with excitement. I smile every time I meet someone who acts just like her, or someone I know she'd absolutely love to meet. Other times important milestones happen in my life that I wish so badly she could be there for... Like my wedding, or the birth of my daughter. I dream about her every once in a while, and when I do it's like she never left us, or other times she's just visiting and she lays down in bed with me and we just talk and snuggle like old times. When I wake up it takes me a few seconds to realize it was just a dream, and I feel like I have to cope with her passing away all over again.

Madison's birth was especially hard for me without her. My mom was a lot like me in the sense that in her free time all she thought about was random things that did not matter at the time. Example: She constantly was talking to me about my future, and I'm not just talking about "What do you want to be when you grow up Coralyn?", I'm talking-every little detail down to "What color eyes do you want your baby to have?". She was Filipino and had spoke English fluently, but had bit of an accent. She used to tell me, "If you want blue eye baby.. find nice tall white man to marry, with blonde hair. Your daddy have blue eyes, but you did not get them, but since you are half now, your baby get blue eyes possibly". I asked her "Ma, what if my baby has brown eyes?", "Oh" she said "Still good. brown eyes are beautiful. You have very pretty eyes". Once, she even got into an argument with my dad when I was around 15 about my future children. Something about how often I would bring them by, and if my dad would help her. Regardless of who won the argument, she came up to me randomly in the kitchen and told me "You bring your babies here to me, I will watch them all the time. I will help you". I don't remember what I said back, but it was probably along the lines of "Mooooooooooomm, go away, I'm 15!"..

The first time I held Madison in my arms I began crying instantly. Not just because she was so beautiful and she was mine.. but because I loved her so much already, I thought "This must have been how much my mom loved me."

I know that she's in a better place now.. but I would have done anything to see the look on my mom's face holding Madison for the first time. I'll never get that. She was always making a big deal out of all my seemingly small accomplishments, if she would have seen Madison she would have done a back flip, I'm sure of it.

Sometimes when I'm sitting on the living room floor adoring Madison and every little thing she does, I feel like my mom is right over my shoulder with us enjoying every moment as well. I want to say outloud "Ma, did you see that!? did you see what she just did!?". Sometimes I speak to her in hopes she can hear me. Usually it's an apology, or "You were so right about that." but most of the time it's just "I miss you, Ma.. and I love you."

Practically Practical

I'm a pretty practical person. I keep things simple not because simple is "safe" but because it's the simple things that make me happy.

I don't want to be famous, I don't plan on becoming a millionaire.. I simply want a love, family, and a happy home. I believe things aren't accomplished by hand outs and strokes of good luck... but by only working your butt off to get what you want, regardless of what situation you've lived your life in so far. Life will never owe you anything because as long as you have a pulse, life has already given you plenty to work with, and when you get knocked down, the best thing to do is just get back up... not sit and complain about what you never had or how someone else held you back. Nor sit and make excuses of how things aren't possible simply because they aren't easy. All things are possible, if you want it bad enough.

I really hope that one day my child (and any other future children) will have a deep understanding of this, and the best way of teaching is by example.

I'm going to try really hard to work to obtain my goals, and I'm not going to let the military, location, or life in general get in the way. With God all things are possible.. so why doubt myself?

Madison Update 8months

Madison currently has 4 teeth showing, is crawling all over the place (including trying to go up the stairs) using a sippy cup with little to no help, pulling herself up without help, standing and grabbing objects to move to different places, eating non pureed food on occasion (Cheerios, bananas, crackers and things like that) and chewing really well. She says mama, dada, baba, oo, and aah. She copies our movements (like if we shake our heads) and knows how to blow raspberries back. She's currently wearing a lot of 12month clothing and she's easily 20lbs or more at the moment.

Partner in crime: Jasmine

things we're working on:
Walking holding mommy and daddy's hands

Clapping hands together
Knowing who Mama, and Dada are when she says it.

Not eating the book when Mama reads.

Painter's block?

Running out of inpiration on what to paint next. Trying to stay away from flowers, as much as I love them. What would YOU want on your living room wall?

Boobies.

It has come to my attention that almost every female I know has or wants breast implants. It's become so popular amongst my friends that I sit here and wonder "should I want implants to?" I feel odd feeling like the only women I know that doesn't want them or at least I think I don't want them.

I look at myself in the mirror and I study my body, its imperfections, my "battle scars" of pregnancy and from entering motherhood. Though my body has changed I'm not too disappointed with the after math. In fact, I'm pretty impressed. No, not to be vain, but think about it. I made a human being inside of my body, ate for her, breathed for her, and lived her for her. And as she grows outside my body I still nurture her; the way mother nature intended. How beautiful is that? I think it's absolutely amazing what the human body can do. It was so worth every imperfection and physical reminder left on my body.

Now don't get me wrong. To each their own, and everyone has different reasons for wanting different things to be changed about themselves. There's not too many days that pass that I see my reflection and don't wish things could be nipped and/or tucked away. However, having a daughter I don't know if I personally could put myself up to surgically changing something about myself. What message would I be sending to her? But wait.. What about these tattoos I have on my body? What about the make up I wear to cover my imperfections and to enhance my appearance, isn't that the same thing only on a different degree? Where do I really cross the line? Will any of this really effect the way I teach my daughter to love herself? These are good questions that I don't have the answers to. Questions that have me reflecting upon my entire life and the image I am portraying to her.

I don't know how I am going to feel 10 or 20 years from now about this subject. Maybe one day my boobs will bother me enough for me to want to change them, maybe they'll come up with new ways to reverse the effects of age and I'll be all for it. But at the moment I am pleased to be pleased with myself even though my boobies are far smaller, far less perky than the average cosmetic enthusiast, and will probably sag to my bellybutton one day (I really hope not).


on a non serious note. I know when you die you don't get to bring any stuff with you to heaven, but do breast implants count?

Emo Poppy Field

Inspired by my emo cousin...